June 13th, 2016

Nation Wishes It Could Just Once Be Reminded Of Preciousness Of Life Without Mass Shooting

From theonion.com:

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Sunday’s terrorist attack at an Orlando, FL nightclub that left at least 50 dead, the nation reportedly expressed its heartfelt wish that it could, even just once, be reminded of the preciousness of life through some other means than a mass shooting. “It would be really nice if, one of these times, something besides breaking news reports about a shooting massacre caused us to reflect on life’s beauty and fragility,” said Alex Haselberg, 45, of Louisville, KY, voicing a sentiment shared by 319 million of his fellow Americans who reportedly lamented the fact that they typically only experience a deep appreciation for their and their loved ones’ limited time here on earth after learning a deranged gunman had slaughtered a dozen or more innocent people. “Does it always have to be a mass murder that delivers the sudden realization that life is a fleeting, priceless gift? Couldn’t there be something else that leaves me feeling immensely grateful for each day? I’m not picky; I’m just tired of it always being this.” The American populace also admitted it could use a short break from being reminded of how brief and precious life is, saying that 133 such reminders since the beginning of this year were far too many.