CHARLOTTE, NC—With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the ultraprogressive minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.”
The thunderous 45-minute address—during which the president argued for a second term so that he could “finally kill Jesus once and for all, as well as all those who worship him”—was well received by the frenzied, wild-eyed audience, whose piercing chants of “Four more years!” and “Slaughter the believers!” echoed throughout the Time Warner Cable Arena.
www.theonion.com/articles/obama-help-us-d
In other news from the DNC convention:
www.theonion.com/articles/obama-help-us-d
In other news from the DNC convention:
Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87
Accepting his renomination at the Democratic National Convention on Thursday, Vice President Joe Biden countered recent Republican criticisms by asserting that most Americans were indeed better off than they were four ago, but he acknowledged that life still paled in comparison to that one “killer fucking” summer in 1987.
Dressed in a slightly ripped Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, Biden tapped the top of an Icehouse tallboy, cracked it open, and then informed the 20,000 people in attendance that while the economy is no longer hemorrhaging jobs as it was in 2008, nothing, “not even that little trip I took to Thailand in ’92,” could ever live up to the unforgettable months of June through August 1987, when “the skirts were short, the brews were cold, and you couldn’t walk 2 feet without stepping into some grade-A tang.”
http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-says-life-better-than-it-was-4-years-ago-but,29477/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=fb-image:quote:default
