I’ve been making a list and checking it twice, and although I can’t tell you who’s been naughty or nice, I can say that Santa Claus has all the hallmarks of being a conservative.
Could it be true? Could everyone’s favorite Christmas figure be a right-winger? Well, let’s see the evidence:
1. Did you ever hear Santa wishing someone a “Happy Holidays?” No, for the man in red, it’s always “Merry Christmas” – no matter who it offends.
2. He lives in the North Pole – a tax haven with a zero percent tax rate – hardly a sign of someone who believes in government and wants to pay his “fair share.”
3. Santa’s whole mission is one of private charity. There are no records of the Santa Claus movement being given even $1 in public assistance. Santa epitomizes charity over welfare.
4. He is the sole employer in the area of huge amounts of unskilled elves. Does anyone really believe they are getting minimum wage? They certainly aren’t getting $15 an hour as the unions demand.
5. Speaking of unions, if one calculates the amount of work required at Christmas, there must be some solid all-nighters being pulled by the Santa team. There’s certainly no room for union-allocated breaks and hour limits. Santa’s factory would not meet the approval of the left.
6.Santa is almost single handedly responsible for the surge of consumerism that pounds our culture every year – a trend that benefits big corporations enormously, and something that our liberal friends despise.
7. On the subject of regulation, does the sleigh meet EPA regulations? Its unspecified power source is hardly an approved fuel – yet Santa seems not to care whether it damages the environment or not. Is Santa a global warming ‘denier?’ It sure sounds like it!
8. Santa also operates what would be an enormous factory right near the ice caps. Definitely no climate change concerns here then.
9. Also, flying reindeers must surely be a protected species. Is it ethical to be using them for intense labor lugging around tons of presents across the globe? PETA would surely have a fit, but Santa appears not to have any ethical concerns for Rudolph and his friends.
10. As for the children to whom he delivers gifts, these are no handouts. Kids must earn their gifts via good behavior, promoting a conservative work ethic, and Santa has no problem with snatching gifts away from naughty kids. Punishment is not a naughty word for Claus.
11. The naughty or nice list also shows an objective moral compass. Santa apparently rejects liberal relativism or explaining away bad behavior with pop psychology and ‘culture’ issues.
12. His love of cookies and large stomach shows a blatant disregard for Michelle Obama’s healthy eating program, as it encourages children to believe that eating vast quantities of cookies is perfectly acceptable. If he were a liberal, he’d be asking for broccoli and cranberry juice.
13. Finally, he works with Coca-Cola – one of the biggest corporations on the planet - something that no self-respecting liberal would even dream of doing.
The evidence is clear – Santa is a conservative. But our liberal friends should not worry, just like a good conservative, Santa excludes no-one! Merry Christmas!
And I know the author doesn't actually literally support the existence of Santa, but holy molly, some of the things he writes, it's almost like he knows that the ring wing support sweatshop labor.